Final Fantasy Phone Messages
by Diathorn
Summary: The most Semi-original idea to ever be posted on Fanfiction.Net! Final Fantasy characters leave messages on their answering machines!
1. Ch 1

Hello everyone who can still stand me! I've come up with an idea that hasn't be done a few million times. It's only been done a few thousand times. Ta-da! Final Fantasy Answering Machine Messages! Don't stone me all at once. Wait for the end.  
  
I don't think I really have to say this, but, I don't own the Final Fantasy Series, SquareEnix does.  
  
The first installment is from the cast of Final Fantasy VII. Or at least those whose phone numbers I was able to get. So give it up, or Yuffie'll mug you.  
  
Cloud: This is the Strife resident. I'm not home right now so leave your message after the beep. Unless this is Tifa, in which case: STOP CALLING ME! Lay off! I'm in love with Aeris! Why can't you understand that? *Beep*  
  
Tifa: Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm probably at work. So if you'll leave your number I'll get back to you as fast as possible. If it's Cloud; did you get my message? I only left three hundred this week. Call me! *Beep*  
  
Aeris: Gainsborough house. Sorry I'm not here at the moment, but I'll call you back as soon as I reincarnate. *Beep*  
  
Red XIII: You have called Nanakai of Cosmo Canyon. I am regrettably not present at the moment so please leave your message so that I might call you back. Wait a minute. I don't have opposable thumbs! I can't pick up the phone! Why the hell did I buy this stupid thing? *Beep*  
  
Yuffie: This is the younger, and much wiser, Kisaragi residence. I'm working right now since no one else will make the effort to try and save their hometown from obscurity and eventual waste! So leave your message or else! If it concerns Materia, I know nothing about it. *Beep*  
  
Cait Sith: Cait Sith's not here. Please leave your message after the beep. If you need me right away call the Gold Saucer hot line and ask for me there. If it's an emergency call 1-800-0ShinRa (074-4672) and ask for Reeve. *Beep*  
  
Cid: This is the *($%& Highwind residence. Leave a message after the *(^%& beep, but if want to say something, tell it to my #&^%&* face! *Beep*  
  
Vincent: Never call this place again. *Beep*  
  
Sephiroth: Sephiroth here. Please leave your name, number, home address and times that you'll be home so that I can finish off all of this world's inhabitants.  
  
Now how was that? The remaining three chapters should be up soon. Have fun.  
  
P.S. Do not call Reeve's number. 


	2. Ch 2

Chapter two already. I hope I haven't offended anyone yet. This is only the second chapter after all. This time around it's Final Fantasy VIII. Have fun. This chapter is a special chapter where we'll explore why we shouldn't use drugs. The week after that is another special chapter in which we'll see the consequences of playing with guns. The week after next will be a special on why people shouldn't vote Republican.  
  
I'd like to personally thank my friend, Lil Washu, for the Irvine message.  
  
Squall: (Sounding Unnaturally Genki) Hello, this is...  
  
Rinoa: Rinoa...  
  
Squall: And Squall!  
  
Rinoa: We're not in...  
  
Squall: At the moment...  
  
Rinoa: So leave...  
  
Squall: You're name and number...  
  
Rinoa: And we'll get back to you...  
  
Squall: As soon as we can.  
  
Together: Bye-bye!  
  
Machine: *Beep*  
  
Zell: Dincht household here. No ones here right now so call back later! If this is the cafeteria lady I have the money. Do you have the hot dogs? Later. *Beep*  
  
Irvine: ('Mambo #5' song is playing in background) Helllloo, ladies! You've reached the one and only Irvine Kinneas. Unfortunately, I'm a little busy at the moment- so, like, if you'd be so kind as to you leave your name, number, and measurements, I'll be 'in touch' as soon as possible. Ciao! *Beep*  
  
Laguna: President Loire here. Sorry I'm out, but you can catch me later. Unless I'm at the bar or something. *Beep*  
  
Ward: ...  
  
Ward: ...  
  
Ward: ...  
  
Ward: ...  
  
Kiros: I told you this was a bad idea. Ward's not in right now. *Beep*  
  
Quistus: Ms. Trepe's student answering line. I'm not available at this moment so please leave a message after the beep. And if this is the Trepies, one more phone call and it'll be detention for a week! *Beep*  
  
Seifer: I'm not in right now, so you'll have to wait! Gone fishing and all that. So leave a message or get out. *Beep*  
  
Ultimecia: I am not in right now. I am destroying ze Seeds and ruling ze world. Now be gone before I rip you from ze time-space kontinuum. *Beep*  
  
There goes chapter two. Next is, predictably, Final Fantasy IX.   
  
P.S. If you don't know, "Genki" means energetic in Japanese. 


	3. Ch 3

Chapter Three is now up! It's now time to go medieval on your answering machines with the cast of Final Fantasy IX!  
  
Zidane: Tantalus Actors guild. But I know all you beautiful women are calling for me. So sorry to disappoint you but if I'm not here I won't be back 'til tomorrow, if you get want I mean.  
  
Dagger: (In the distance) What was that Zidane?  
  
Zidane: Gotta go. *Beep*  
  
Dagger: Garnet Til Alexandros the 17th, the queen of Alexandria isn't here right now. If you'll leave your name and number I'll have a servant call you back. *Beep*  
  
Steiner: Thou hast misseded me at this precise moment. I currently am trying to save the world and the princess from destruction and a buffoonish thief. I shall most probably have returned by Thursday. *Beep*  
  
Freya: Sorry, you missed me. I'm not going to be in for a while, I'm on tour with the Cleyra Amateur Riverdance Association. I'll be back soon, bye! *Beep*  
  
Quina: Quina not here. Quina eating. Leave words on magic talking box or Quina eat you. Is maybe magic talking box eatable? Maybe taste like frog! *Beep*  
  
Eiko: You've called Madain Sari, location of the Moogle family reunion. No ones here at the moment so please leave a message. Please state why you're calling, who you're calling, and what species they belong to. *Beep*  
  
Amarant: I'm never here. If you want to contact me go to the Red Dragon Bar in Treno and ask for "Lani." The minimum fee is 5,000 gil, no haggling. *Beep*  
  
Kuja: This is my Gaia residence. I'm not in right, but you might want to try my house on Terra. If Terra has been destroyed in a flurry of pure black magic, you might want to check Memoria. If I'm not in Memoria, then I'll definitely be in Sane. *Beep*  
  
And that's it for chapter three. Have fun while I finish up with the last one. 


	4. Ch 4

In response to your question, Wolf of Light, I just might do that. I'd probably need to actually play X-2 first. Hell, I might even do Final Fantasy Tactics, or less likely, FF VI. I'll leave it to the reviewers to decide.  
  
Tidus: Dude, I'm not in at the moment. I'm out Blitzing it up at Zanarkand and all, so leave a message and junk, okay? *Beep*  
  
Yuna: I'm so sorry you've missed me. I promise to immediately return your call as soon as I can. Again I hope you can forgive me that I was not home in time to answer your call. Sorry. *Beep*  
  
Yunalesca: This is the ruins of Zanarkand, home of the first Summoner to defeat Sin, Yunalesca. I'll return your message as soon as possible. If it's about achieving the final Aeon, you'll have to come here to find out. Wait, damn, I shouldn't have said that Zanarkand was in ruins. How do you delete this stupid thing? I've had a thousand years to figure these things out and I can't even get the damn VCR to stop flashing 12:00! *Beep*  
  
Seymour: I'm not here right now. I'm trying to decide if I should consider myself legally dead or not. Also considering the issue of necrophilia. So leave a message so I can call you back as soon as I decide. *Beep*  
  
Auron: You have reached Auron's place. I'm out *cough* "refilling" my sake jug, if you catch my drift. Leave a message. *Beep*  
  
Kimahri: Kimahri not home. Leave message. *Beep*  
  
Rikku: E's hud rusa nekrd huf cu bmayca mayja y saccyka yht E'mm lymm pylg yc cuuh yc E lyh. Ev ed'c yh asankahlo lymm Home yht ycg vun Rikku. *Beep*  
  
Wakka: Damn forbidden machina! Take this! *Smash* And this! *Another smash* And how about a couple in the nuts and bolts, ya? *Repeated smashing* Wait, oh ya, this was on the "Yevon's Guide To Approved Machina," don't that beat all, ya? Leave your message afta the beep, ya? *Beep*  
  
P.S. Rikku's message is Al Behd (Duh) for: "I'm not home right now so please leave a message and I'll call back as soon as I can. If it's an emergency call Home and ask for Rikku. *Paab*"  
  
And that is then end of it. Feel free to stone me if you want. Just not with rocks, boulders, pebbles, or stones. Or even dirt clods, or snowballs with those shards of hard ice in them that hurt when you get hit and they will ALWAYS hit you in the ear. None of those please. Bye 


	5. Ch 5

Despite my saying I'd stop, I'm adding a few more chapters. Nothing on X-2 as of yet (My friend Kuro has it but he isn't gonna share for a while). I have come up with something for Auron, and I've added it to the FFX chapter. I say this seeing as how many people have asked about him, some less politely than others if I might point out.  
  
FF Tactics.  
  
Time Mage: Sorry I missed you. Please leave the exact time you called and I'll get back to you in 3... 2... 1... Hello?" *Beep*  
  
Calculator: You have missed me at this precise second, seeing as I have left exactly 3 hours, 42 minutes and 17 seconds ago. In 5 seconds please leave a message after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Elmdor: Limberry Castle, Elmdor extension. Leave a message after the beep. If it's the Sephiroth Fan Club, stop sending hate mail! I get enough from the Vincent Valentine Fan Club. *Beep*  
  
Oracle: You have reached the Oracle Psychic Hotline. To have your fortune told it will be 30 gil for the first five minutes and 90 gil for every minute after that. Press "1" for a Zodiac relationship match-ups. Press "2" for job related questions. Are you in the right job class? Should you become into a Monk? A Squire? We can help. Press "3" for a nearly perfect forecast of monster encounters. *Beep*  
  
Monk: I'm not here. I'm out lifting heavy stuff, moving it around and then putting it down. Then picking it up again and putting it down again. I hope that doesn't sound stupid. *Beep*  
  
Chemist: Ivalice Apothecary. We have potions, elixirs, antidotes, remedies, poisons, plagues, herbs and decorative tote bags. Please stay on the line until a customer assistant can help you. *Beep*  
  
Knight: Sorry you missed me, I'm out saving a damsel-in-distress. Leave your message after the beep. *Beep*  
  
White mage: I'm not in right now. I'm saving a Knight-in-distress. Leave a message after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Ninja: Shinobi Assassin Guild. We have traced your phone number. An operative will contact you by midnight. Until then. *Beep*  
  
Black mage: Don't leave a message. I'll be in the Ivalice Magic-users Maximum Security Prison for at least ten years for arson.  
  
Vormav: This is Murond, holy sanctuary of the Glabados Church. If you have found any holy Zodiac Stones, please leave your name and address for immediate confiscation and possible execution.  
  
Geomancer: Geomancer's Feng Shui Book Emporium. Leave both your name and number after the beep. And get rid of that tacky Dancer statue in your front lawn. It's not very conductive for the water element or keeping my axe from your head. *Beep*  
  
Lancer: This is the Lesalia Extreme Acupuncturists. Here, our finest Lancers will soothe your troubles away by poking key pressure points with needles. Please leave your name and number for an appointment.  
  
Mediator: Diplomatic Solutions. There are currently no associates available to help you. Please stay on the line or leave a message after the beep. Remember, we don't just help negotiate peace between warring nations. We also do morale raising events, school lectures, personal headhunting and impromptu insult comic. *Beep*  
  
Summoner: Magical Parties Inc. We offer the finest in unique parties. We have Summoners and Mimes for children's parties. For more exciting events, we offer trick shot Archers and knife-throwing Thieves. If you wish for a more adult party, we have a few very lovely Dancers available. And for the ladies there are a couple of very handsome Bards. So if you will please leave your name, number and preference after the beep, we'll set you up with the party of your dreams. *Beep*  
  
I'll try and work on FFVI soon, but I really should play it again before I really do anything with it. And remember, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... unless it's funny. Thank you. 


	6. Ch 6

I don't know why, but many FF VI characters are in some business or another. In case someone wants to be picky about copyright stuff and all, I do not own any Final Fantasy characters, settings or concepts.  
  
Gau: Gau not home. Gau in Veldt. Gau kill meat. Gau eat meat. Gau scratch fleas. Gau host Tupperware parties at Gau's condominium. *Beep*  
  
Setzer: You have reached Setzer's Grand Central Casino. If you wish to schedule a party, press "1" now. If you wish to learn about our employment oppurtunities, press "2" now. If you wish to solve your problem gambling, I'll bet you double or nothing you can't stop now. *Beep*  
  
Mog: This is the Narshe Coal Mines and Mog's Kuporrific Dance Club. The club's hours are between 9 P.M. and 6 A.M. The house special is the patented "Kupo Nut Blaster." Drink Kupo Nut Blasters responsibly. All troublemakers will be escorted out by the bouncer, Umaro. *Beep*  
  
Relm: Arrowny Art Studio. If you wish to make an appointment please leave your name, number and degree of realism. The choices include: Still life, life like, and Dorian Grey. *Beep*  
  
Terra: Mobliz Day Care Center, owned and operated by Terra Branford. Please leave your name and number after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Locke: Locke's Rare Antiquities Emporium. We have almost anything you could ever imagine. We even do special "hunts" for certain item you want. No one is in right now so please leave your name, number, the artifact you're looking for and where or who it might be *cough* acquired from after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Edgar: This is the royal residence of the very handsome, and very available, King Edgar Roni Figaro of Figaro castle. Please leave your name, number and three-sizes after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Sabin: Gone out on a training exercise, be back in a couple of weeks. Leave a message after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Shadow: Leave your name, a contact point and how much you're willing to spend. *Beep*  
  
Celes: Sorry I'm not in right now, I'm touring with Impresario on his opera tour. Leave a message after the beep. Ciao! *Beep*  
  
Gogo: This is the president of the Zone Eater Chapter of Marcel Marceau fans, Gogo. If you are looking to join, please leave a message after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Kefka: You have reached your lord and god. I am currently smiting all who oppose me, so please leave your groveling after the beep. *Beep*  
  
That's all for now. I should get X-2 up really soon. Please review whether you liked it or not. Apparently my friends say my ranting is funny to listen to. 


End file.
